the most constant thing in the world is change... i've heard this time and again. but oh the stubborn girl in me just won't face it. i have my ideals. i make my own way. there are times when i'm on a standstill and yet the world rushes by - without a care, without concern. sometimes it's disheartening. more often than not it pains me to the very core of my being. nobody understands! whether it be because they just don't or won't... i don't know. but come to think of it, it doesn't matter. for at the end of the day, i am left to my own devices to pull myself together and move forward anyway. or am i?
i have always tried to be a good girl and i have always tried to make everyone feel loved and happy. but i guess there comes a point where you meet people who no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to. and it's not because you're not enough but it's probably more because of the reality that they have this deep void within them that they / you / nothing can't fill. why? i don't know. maybe they were born that way? nature vs nurture. or maybe it's because they have a prevalent feeling of discontentment that stems from their search for perfectness - one which in reality, no one can really get a hold of.
i never felt i'd get there. i always thought i could make things work and just keep the happiness alive. but alas, life had other plans. shaken. alone. i found myself searching for answers and (for lack of a better term) "fillers" to this newly actualized void in me. i looked high and low. ran into conversations and debates with people i trust. they helped yes, but they weren't enough. i still felt incomplete. and then He found me (again). and i was reassured of what i should have known all along - that He was always there. that i am never ever alone because God is always by my side... laughing with me when i'm happy and crying with me when i'm sad. He's committed to me in such manner that i probably will never truly comprehend - accepting and loving me for all that i am.
i am still in search for peace. but i am proud to say that i am somewhat in a better place now. i have regained confidence in the world and i don't feel so alone and broken anymore. God is my constant. when everything is changing and moving along. He's there. i can have faith and i can put my trust in Him because i know that although i may not know nor understand what's happening, He always has my interest at heart. more importantly, He will always... always lead me to that which is best for me.
