my "constant"

the most constant thing in the world is change... i've heard this time and again. but oh the stubborn girl in me just won't face it. i have my ideals. i make my own way. there are times when i'm on a standstill and yet the world rushes by - without a care, without concern. sometimes it's disheartening. more often than not it pains me to the very core of my being. nobody understands! whether it be because they just don't or won't... i don't know. but come to think of it, it doesn't matter. for at the end of the day, i am left to my own devices to pull myself together and move forward anyway. or am i?

i have always tried to be a good girl and i have always tried to make everyone feel loved and happy. but i guess there comes a point where you meet people who no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to. and it's not because you're not enough but it's probably more because of the reality that they have this deep void within them that they / you / nothing can't fill. why? i don't know. maybe they were born that way? nature vs nurture. or maybe it's because they have a prevalent feeling of discontentment that stems from their search for perfectness - one which in reality, no one can really get a hold of.

i never felt i'd get there. i always thought i could make things work and just keep the happiness alive. but alas, life had other plans. shaken. alone. i found myself searching for answers and (for lack of a better term) "fillers" to this newly actualized void in me. i looked high and low. ran into conversations and debates with people i trust. they helped yes, but they weren't enough. i still felt incomplete. and then He found me (again). and i was reassured of what i should have known all along - that He was always there. that i am never ever alone because God is always by my side... laughing with me when i'm happy and crying with me when i'm sad. He's committed to me in such manner that i probably will never truly comprehend - accepting and loving me for all that i am.

i am still in search for peace. but i am proud to say that i am somewhat in a better place now. i have regained confidence in the world and i don't feel so alone and broken anymore. God is my constant. when everything is changing and moving along. He's there. i can have faith and i can put my trust in Him because i know that although i may not know nor understand what's happening, He always has my interest at heart. more importantly, He will always... always lead me to that which is best for me.

a prayer

Lord, in the midst of all the hurry of another busy day,
let me find time to slow down a bit.
to pause and feel
your loving presence.
don't let me get so caught up with myself
and my demanding schedule,
that i lose the strength that i always gain
from my quiet moments with you.
help me today
to be at peace, Lord...
with myself, with my world, and with You.
Amen.

***

Father, help me nurture a grateful heart... to give thanks regardless of whether my plans are going the way i want them to or some other way. teach me to seek the good and beautiful despite all the challenges and obstacles that seem to push down my dreams.

please hold my hand and enlighten me. grant in me a heart that can and will love unconditionally. "to give and not to count the cost. to fight and not to heed the wounds. to toil and not to seek for rest. to labor and not to ask for any reward" - help me keep my cup full Father that i may never tire of giving and being of service to those who need it most.

thank You for all the blessings You have given me. although these days haven't been as wonderful as before, i am still in thanksgiving for all the love and support that i am being showered with.

Father, help me remember that You have a divine plan... that things aren't always as they seem to be and that it is in the dark moments that we are able to get closer to You. help me keep the faith and trust in the goodness of Your word. make me remember and instill in my heart Your promise of redemption and salvation. after all, nothing is impossible for those who put their trust in You.

nuggets of inspiration

God has a way of reaching out to us... we have questions... He answers. subtly. slowly. sometimes it seems that He doesn't. but as a lot of people have told me, He will eventually. maybe when you least expect Him to. maybe when you feel that all hope's lost. but He does answer - in His time. so keep the faith. God never fails those who put their complete trust in Him.

i understand the feeling of loneliness and despair. seeking for answers or solutions that never seem to take light. it's disheartening. soul wrenching but then as the wheel of life turns and my circumstance reaches an all time low... He pushes me up. He gives me a ray of hope and slowly, everything just feels brighter. somewhat lighter even.

the turbulent storm that has rattled my life hasn't really settled. i don't want to go all nega - as this is my happy place in the world wide web but... i'm trying. i'm doing my best to cope and to live each day with a faithful and trusting spirit. i'm a planner... i like to schedule my days and well, plan my life BUT i guess sometimes He just has to rock the boat and make me return back to trusting Him and His plans for me. i haven't lost hope. i still wish and pray for that which my heart desires but i am also giving in to Him... letting Him work His way in my life. maybe my dream will find its way back to me or maybe a new dream will emerge. i don't know. but what i do know is this, God will always give what is best and good for me.

thank you Father for all the amazing people who in their own special ways, make me work to become tougher, stronger and more resilient to the ways of the world. i pray that You continue to guide me and fill me with Your unconditional love and mercy. i put my life and trust in Your hands.

***

someday, all events in our lives will make perfect sense.
for now, let's laugh at the confusion.
smile through the tears and know that everything happens for a reason.
let's trust God that from our great troubles will come our best rewards

***

"Father God, as i go through this day...
various thoughts will pass through my mind
and in the midst of my thinking,
despair may creep in when problems come to mind.
Lord, may my soul be encouraged by Your character
so that as i wait and trust in You,
joy would replace despair" - Psalm 42:5

***

a person who spends time on their knees,
has no trouble standing on their feet.

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"the more we listen to God's voice, the louder it gets.
the more we seek the light, the brighter it becomes.
this is God's love and compassion for us making itself known.
and in His growing presence, we become stronger
and our faith is renewed" - Proverbs 8:34-35

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"there will be many times when life will leave us
stretched into an awkward position.
when trials seem to overwhelm us,
let us consider them as God's gracious gift.
a warning system which He has put in place
to steer us back within His perfect will.
God alone can answer and meet all our needs." - Psalm 32:7-8

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